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李静:九型人格亲子完全版

作者:李静
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发布于:2019-10-21 05:17:58.0


学习九型系统(Enneagram)有助于父母拥抱孩子的特质,否则有些父母可能会强制孩子成为他们的复制品。


在任何家庭教育的讨论中,首先需要阐明的是:孩子的性格类型不是家长创造出来的。


所有九型系统的老师和研究者一致认同,性格类型以气质为基础,虽然我们并不完全理解,但这是与生俱来的。


一个孩子来到这世界上,他或她的性格类型已经由出生前的事件决定,尽管我们并不全然知晓。


有观点认为,决定性格类型的因素有:遗传,胎儿在子宫时发生的事件,母亲的情感状态,甚至是过去世,以及一个灵魂为了学习某种类型的性格而去成为那种性格类型的需要。


但真相是,我们真的不知道形成这些类型的所有成因。


这并不是说早期的家庭状况和父母的影响不重要。

恰恰相反。


尽管它们不是性格类型的成因,但对孩子的情感健康状况有着高度的影响。


一个足够幸运的孩子能出生在父母状态都较为平衡的家庭,他/她的人生就会是自己性格类型的相对健康的体现。相对的,一个出生在相对不太正常的家庭中的孩子,就不得不关闭自己天生的开放性、自然、活力,并且需要对家庭中存在的种种违背常规的现象建立起防御。


在作者看来,(家庭中的)第一个孩子会处于更健康的发展水平(Level of Development),而第二个孩子的成长则处于大体上较低、不够健康的水平。因此,第二个孩子会比第一个孩子遇到更多的情感挑战。


简而言之,家庭教育是重要的——它不制造性格类型,但是会影响一个孩子性格类型的健康程度。


因此并不难看到,当家长运用诸如九型系统这样的心理兼灵性工具来对自己做工作时,他们不仅是在做有益自己的事,更是为孩子准备一个潜在的最好的礼物——一个情感上健康的童年和更快乐的未来。


家长如果能帮助孩子们发展起自尊、稳定的情绪、开放的好奇心、对自己的信任、懂得享受生活、力量、自信、与自己轻松相处、自我管理的能力、对自己和他人的共情能力(以上为九种类型的品质),就会为发展孩子所有的潜力,为孩子未来的成就搭建舞台。


并不是每个孩子都容易让家长满意和适应,对家长而言最值得去觉察的部分,就是他们和孩子之间的匹配度的差异(differences of fit)。


如果父母双方都是精力充沛,喜欢社交,性格外向,而他们的孩子却安静、严肃、沉默寡言,那么家长和孩子之间就会产生很大差异。


孩子也许会在无意识中感觉他/她让父母失望了,这会给孩子造成严重的情感困难。


父母也许会操纵或迫使孩子更像他们。或者,父母可能会因不理解自己的孩子、甚至无法完全喜爱、欣赏自己的孩子而感到罪责或做得不够充分。


通过九型系统,父母与可以更加清晰地了解自己与孩子的差异点。这并不说仅仅理解就可以解决任何潜在的问题。但如果连了解都没有,那么问题将永远是个问题,永远无法真正解决。


所以,家长需要看见:

孩子不是可以根据自己的情感需求来塑造的私有物,而是有自己的价值、有尊严、也值得被尊敬的独立个体。

无论孩子是哪个类型,家长总是对于自己的孩子抱有期望的,以下简单列出了不同类型的家长对自己孩子的一些主要期待,如果你可以觉察这些无意识的期待,不让自己掌控孩子、不逼他们想自己,将会对于改善亲子关系大有好处。


家长对孩子有哪些期待:


一号家长:

也许会要求孩子自我掌控,理智,规范,以及不要急于自夸——他们的孩子可能会成为小大人。


图中对话:

“除了一些规则,一点点自律,公平的评判,还有热水澡,其他的都不行!”

“我一辈子都要不停地被纠正吗?”


二号家长:

也许会要求孩子慷慨,体贴,助人,关注他人——他们的孩子可能会成为小助手。


图中对话:

“我太爱我的宝宝了,我要为他付出一切!一切!”

“妈?妈?我不能呼吸了!你这样让我窒息......”


三号家长:

也许会要求孩子杰出地完成任务,实现家人的期望,物质层面的完美,受欢迎——他们的孩子是小明星。


图中对话:

“再见,亲爱的!(今日清单,商务早餐,会议,约会...)”

“好吧...至少我把这些事列在清单上了。”


四号家长:

也许会要求孩子具有敏感性,艺术的创造力,情感的深度,理解——他们的孩子是小治疗师。


图中对话:

“我们会一起去画廊,一起去巴黎旅行,一起吃巧克力面包,在塞纳河边喝卡布其诺。”

“吃麦当劳可没门儿。”


五号家长:

也许会要求孩子独立,好学,智力上的天赋,好奇心——他们的孩子可以是小天才。


图中对话:

“一个原子是由一个极小的正极原子核组成,它的周围有一大群负极电子。尽管典型的电子的大小......”

“哦,天哪,我什么时候才能告诉他,科学让我想吐,但是我踢足球很厉害?”


六号家长:

也许会要求孩子乖巧,服从,坚持,可靠——他们的孩子会是老练的小演员。


图中对话:

“亲爱的,让蜡烛离你越远越好...把蜡烛立直一点,不然它很快就会烧完了,你的手指会被烫到,如果起火了,我有灭火器备用。”

“妈...这只是一根火柴!”


七号家长:

也许会要求孩子活力,良好的幽默感,弹性,自然——他们的孩子是小娱乐家。


图中对话:

“今天翘课吧!我们去冲浪,然后到市里参加和平游行。这才是我所说的教育!”

“我知道他是个酷爸,但我真的需要准备考试啊。”


八号家长:

也许会要求孩子坚韧,自给自足,勇气,意志力——他们的孩子是小企业家。


图中对话:

“这是一个残忍的世界,我的儿子得坚强。我会给他钢铁般的爱,让他足够强大。”

“啊。我这一生都要努力向我爸证明,我够强大够顽强,不是吗?”


九号家长:

也许会要求孩子安静,缺乏需求,温和,不索取——他们的孩子是小天使。


呃….九号家长这张图没有对话……

家长对孩子能抱持的最好态度之一,就是以惊喜的好奇心去支持孩子展现他们自己。

在教育孩子的过程中,只有一件事是确定的:孩子会以出乎你预料的方式发展。


如果家长试图阻碍孩子自然地呈现自己,那么孩子就无法成功做自己。孩子不会变成你设定的样子,但是有可能会变得扭曲和神经质。


因此,家长最好观察孩子的类型(它的与生俱来的天赋与能力),引发孩子所属类型的最佳面向,而不是把他/她改变成与自己真实样子完全不同的人。


附英文原文:

Ennegramand Parenthood


Learning the Enneagram encouragesparents to embrace their child’s unique personality. Otherwise some will pushtheir children to be replicas of themselves.


What needs to be said right away inany discussion of parenting is that parents do not create a child'spersonality type. All Enneagram teachers and researchers agree thatpersonality type is built on temperament and that, in ways we do not fullyunderstand, this is inborn. A child comes into the world with his or herpersonality type already determined by prenatal events, although we do not knowwhat all of these are. There are theories that type is determined by genetics,by in utero events, by the emotional state of the mother, or even bypast lives and the need for a soul to be a certain type to learn the lessons ofthat type. But the truth is, we really do not know all of the causes of type.


This is not to say that earlyfamily conditions and parental influences are not important: far from it. Whilethey do not cause type, they highly influence how emotionally healthy orunhealthy a child becomes. A child who is fortunate enough to be born into afamily of well-balanced parents will start life as a relatively healthy exampleof his or her type. Conversely, a child who is born into a relativelydysfunctional family will have to close down his natural openness, spontaneity,and vitality and need to erect defenses against the various forms of violationthat exist in the family. In the authors' terms, one child will be at ahealthier Level of Development, while the second child will grow up at asubstantially lower, unhealthier, Level. Hence, the second child will have moreemotional challenges than the first child.


In short, parenting does count—notto produce a personality type, but to influence how healthy a child of thattype will be. It is therefore not difficult to see that when parents work onthemselves through psychospiritual tools such as the Enneagram, they are notonly doing something good for themselves, they are making possible one of thegreatest gifts they could give their children—an emotionally healthy childhoodand a happier future.Parents who help their child develop self- esteem,emotional stability, open curiosity, trust in self, an enjoyment of life,strength and self-confidence, easiness with themselves, the ability to regulatethemselves, and empathy for self and others (qualities found in the nine types)set the stage for the development of all of their child's potentials and futureaccomplishments.


One of the most useful areas forparents to become aware of is thedifferences offitbetween themselves and their children. Not every child will be an easy fit forevery parent. If two parents are highly energetic, sociable, and extroverted,and their child is quiet, serious, and reserved, the fit between the parentsand the child can become strained. The child may unconsciously feel that he orshe is a disappointment to the parents, which can cause serious emotionaldifficulties for the child. The parents might try to manipulate or pressure thechild to be more like them. Or they might feel guilty or inadequate for notunderstanding their child—or even for not completely liking and enjoying theirchild.


Differences of fit between parentsand children can become more clearly understood with the Enneagram. This is notto say that understanding alone will be enough to undo any potential problems.But without insight and understanding there can be no solution to problems.Above all, parents need to see their children not as their possessions to bemolded according to their own emotional needs but as independent beings whohave their own value and are worthy of being treated with dignity and respect.


The following chart indicates a fewof the major expectations of each type of parent toward their children, nomatter what type their children may actually be. Being aware of theseunconscious expectations and not allowing yourself to manipulate your childreninto having to measure up to them will go a long way toward improving parent-childrelationships.


What Parents Expect from TheirChildren


Type One

May demand self-control,reasonableness, regularity, and the ability to delay rewards—that their childbe a Little Adult


Type Two

May demand generosity,thoughtfulness, helpfulness, and attention to others—that their child be aLittle Helper


Type Three

May demand being outstanding attasks, fulfilling family hopes, physical perfection, and popularity—that theirchild be a Little Star


Type Four

May demand sensitivity, artistic creativity,emotional depth, and understanding—that their child be a Little Therapist


Type Five

May demand independence,studiousness, intellectual gifts, and curiosity—that their child be a LittleGenius


Type Six

May demand dependability,obedience, perseverance, and trustworthiness—that their child be a LittleTrouper


Type Seven

May demand vitality, good humor,resilience, and spontaneity—that their child be a Little Entertainer


Type Eight

May demand toughness,self-sufficiency, courage, and willpower—that their child be a LittleEntrepreneur


Type Nine

May demand quietness, lack ofdemands, gentleness, and non-needinesss—that their child be a Little Angel


One of the best attitudes forparents to have toward their children is an amazed curiosity to support thechild's own unfolding. In childrearing, only one thing is certain: childrenwill develop in unexpected ways. If parents try to block the child's naturalunfolding, they will not succeed. The unfolding will not stop but merely becomedistorted and neurotic. It is therefore always best for the parent to observethe child's type (with its innate gifts and capacities) and to elicit thebest aspects of the child's type rather than try to change him or her intosomeone fundamentally different from who he or she already is.

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